I live like I want to, not like I should

February 4^th

Hollywood Market - $26.14

I’m trying to develop better relationship with money… and food, and people and my family.

The more I think about I think I need to work on the whole concept of ‘relationship’ but for now I’ll work on the money one because money doesn’t change.  But I can start with money since it’s been pretty consistent over the course of all time and history.

I haven’t done a good grocery shopping trip in sometime and it’s starting to show.  My freezer is bare and I’m dong mini power shopping trips where I’m hungry, don’t have coupons or a plan and I spend over $20 for that night’s dinner and the lunch for the day after.  This happened last night. My $6 salad, $3 cheese and $4 mega brownie hit the spot and my $7 salad today and $4 soup for lunch today.  I will be ok until around 2 today where I feel the need to repeat the cycle.  Money fail. 

I've been using mint.com for about a year to track my spending and it's been VERY useful... to a point.  I know that I overspent on my food budget  (entertainment budget, coffee store budget, etc) a day or two afterwards.    I think I need an app that causes my phone to have a temper tantrum at check out before I go over board.

It’s 3:30 in the morning.  I woke up because I was having a dream about my last relationship (with a human).    Another fail.

Canine, Feline, Jekyll and Hyde

February 3rd 

 $26.24 - Total

            $8.33  - 7-11

            $27.91   Hideout

Went to the bar after work tonight for socialization purposes.  Sat down next to a regular named Bill.  He’s an older guy, maybe late 50’s early 60’s.  It’s always interesting talking to random strangers.  He suggested phlebology for a career change.  He could’ve suggested craniology or a bat dung pottery and I'd have thought it a good idea. 

I don’t want to be alone but at this stage of the game it seems inevitable.  As much as I want to share my life with someone that shares my same interests I don’t want to share my life with someone that will put up with my farts, burps, popping in grown hairs and explosive diarrhea.  I’m used to being alone.  I grew up alone and have lived by myself for more than half my life. It’s not good.  I read an article about how being lonely was worse for your health then smoking.

Change isn't easy but the need is inevitable.

My cat is into attacking toes today; yesterday it was hanging off the curtains. I've got my nightstand alarm going off on the left, my phone alarm on the right.  The dog wants to go outside again and that's just a typical morning.

+

If that don't suit you ... that's a drag...

February 2^nd

February 2nd

Day Two – Zero Spending

I’m not a mind reader and I can’t tell what the future has in store for me but I know this one small detail.  There won’t be a day three of no spending… I’m gonna need caffeine and I’m going to need a lot of it.

I’m starting an online course in web design next week. 

I love the idea of school.  I’m good with homework for the first 3 weeks and then my attention span drifts off to something other…  ooo new home improvement project.

I'm Not Faking It, Baby, I'm Making It

February 1^st

Zero Dollars Spent

I’ve been considering a career change for quite a long time.

I don’t really have a clear plan for what comes next though.

I could pull that insecure woman’s damsel in distress thing and find some poor sucker to “take care of me” but that’s just not me.  Miss Too-Independent-For-My-Own-Good.

I’ve been looking for new jobs but in the meantime I’m looking for new jobs, possible new careers and ways of making money online.

I’ve been doing some of them for years.  Just little stuff for extra spending cash but maybe I should start considering hitting them up a little hardcore.

These are a list of sites that I’ve worked with over the years that are reputable

MyPoints – I’ve pulled in close to $500 in gift certificates since 2005

InBox – $60 in the past year 

Upromise – started this account back when I thought about having kids.  Now I bank on the Dining Rewards part of it more.  You can withdrawal money

Ebates – Have made over $1,400 on this site so far.  I’m an online shopper.   I haven’t stepped in a mall in years so clicking through this site is awesome.

OfficeMax MaxPerks – I take in the cartridges from work and earn $2 a pop then I use the rewards to buy toilet paper and Tide.  Guess this stuff only works if run through a lot of ink cartridges and are ok to dispose of them. 

Oh Baby Your Time Is Running Out

January 30^th & January 31^st

70.14 Best Buy

19.17 Renshaw’s

3.71 Starbuck’s

28.87 Speedway #1

25.14 Norm’s

5.82 Speedway #2

Total – 152.90

I’m not proud of this figure but in all honesty it was going to be worse.

The plan for this weekend was to hop in the Jeep, I’ve named her Hope (it’s a Star Wars thing) and take a 4 hour drive north to Boyne for a weekend of snowboarding, drinking and ziplining.  I was pretty confident that I was going that I even invested in a new phone case (because I’m klutzy I over spent for the LifeProof).  I saved $20 bucks by opening falling for some Best Buy Credit Card gimmick which I promptly turned around and spent at Ren’s for Mac & Cheese.

I’m in desperate need for fun.  It’s been forever since I’ve had a vacation.  The past few months I’ve been In a deep “what-the-effing-point” place in my life.  Boyne was supposed to be that.  Still pricey because of Doggy Day Care and Lift Tickets but I was planning on living on alcohol and snow so it would’ve all balanced out in the end.  The whole thing was moth balled around 11am when I found out that someone brought his girlfriend.  I’ve met her.  She’s nice enough.  But I’ve heard too many stories about breaking up/making up/irrational behavior/etc .  Honestly I want to believe that stories are exaggerated but dramatic, drunken behavior is boring on any level and my perfect possible drama free, brain cell burning epic weekend might've been slightly marred and that was just too much to handle. 

I closed out my evening with dinner at Norm’s.  I keep hoping that I hit these bars and it’ll be like it was in the good old days… laughs, random flirting but that doesn’t happen much these days.  I know it’s me.  My light is fading, my positive outlook doesn’t shine through.  I’m kind of a husk.

I know I need to have a second option; a Plan B.  But I don’t have any desire to anymore.  I know that everyone has their purpose but I just don't know how to twist my shit into a positive position. 

Mindlessly Dancing to... La Roux "Bulletproof"

Good Bye Martha My Dear!

January 29, 2014

$24.81

I have a love / hate relationship with Pinetrest

I think it may steam from my genetic disposition to be a Stepford Wife / Soccer Mom that I'm totally blowing off because, let's be frank, I can't even take care of myself.

Pinetrest keeps that lingering Martha Stewart gene alive enough to keep from getting ousted by an invasive Courtney Love type free radical.

Work is kinda slow right now so I’ve been zoning out catching up on my favorite blogs and scanning the interwebs for cat furniture that doesn’t look like it was salvaged out of a 1974 Ford Ecoline van with a half naked banshee painted on the side.  I’ve decided to merge a few ideas together and it involves rope, glue, milk crates and cardboard tubes.  I am 100% percent confident that it will look hideous but I still have hopes. 

I had one shopping trip last night where I spent $15 on this cat-crap-tastic furniture thingy that I’m about to put together and the other $9 was spent on dinner.  Pin that bitch.

A Cup of Johan

January 28, 2014

$17.89

I'm not a skinny person; even when I had an eating disorder I was curvy.

Lately I've been doing these 10-20 minute work out things and lifting weights but I weeze when I run up the steps.

I should change that... I told myself I'd start dating again if I lost weight I guess keeping the fat on is the emotional cushion I need ... and a box of cookies is way more fulfilling then trying to feign interest in another human being at this point.

All I bought yesterday were liquids.

2 Monster Zero's

1 L of  Tonic w/Lime

1 Fifth of Marshmallow Vodka

So I want to believe that the pound that I put on between yesterday and today is a result of building muscle because all I did was drink.

But that Mocha Latte with Marshmallow Vodka was about 150 calories and after four of them I'm gonna name that new cellulite dimple "Gevalia".

So needless to say... I'm odds and ends

January 27, 2014

$0.00

Some people have their 'ideal' image of themselves.  

Taller, thinner, more hair, less zits

It's the ideal image.

My ideal image is a cartoon.

And it morphs on a daily basis.

I try to believe that I'm Wonder Woman but most times I imagine myself more like Cartman.

You know the cliche thing where it's an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

I kinda feel like I've got those out too - and they are constantly arguing.

People think I"m weird... most of the time I'm having an ongoing never ending internal argument about money, men, school, work, life, blah blah blah blah

I don't talk much... I'm listening to them (umm... err.. myself)  and I'm missing out on life.

Last night I wanted a drink.

I drove around for 25 minutes having a mental battle about what bar I should go to if I should go to one at all.

I didn't go to the bar

I got bored and went home.

I didn't get a drink

I didn't buy a bottle of vodka

I just went home.

I filled up my Amazon shopping cart but I didn't click 'Submit Order'.

I worked out.

I tried to clean.

I had another mental battle about if I should go to Boyne or should I stay home and fix the house.

I don't know who won that one.

The only way I can shut down the internal bickering is by either getting drunk or zoning out to whatever show is on.

I started watching 'Heros'

Then I went to bed.

No money spent.

No argument won.

No ground gained.

An anniversary of sorts...

$124.59 but $95.26 (with coupons)

I'm beginning to realize that my life serves as a weigh station for others.   I'm Ned, the insurance guy, from Groundhog Day. I 

...

I hate the fact that you're what I think of when I'm alone…..

I hate the fact that I have to talk myself out of things that are obviously not there…

I hate we had that one week… the coffee, the drinks, the pictures, the rest… probably one of the most intense seductions ever.

I hate that every time I go 'there' all I can hear you say is "This is not good"; I know what you meant but it still hurts like hell.

I regret the day I ever sent you some random message... I would have never known that everything I wanted in one person actually existed

I'm not this person.

I'm just the pretender.