in a beautiful whirl...

Day Four  - No Spending.
This is almost worse then alcohol withdrawal.


I have a pretty vivid imagination.
Normally my mind races to all sorts of extreme interpersonal situations but right now I've got whole scenarios dreaming about spending money

My dirty little fantasy today I spent $10 (Mexican Hot Chocolate & a pack of Camel Lights)
It's not that it was just ten bucks but it was for a super yummy drink and cigarettes.  Both totally useless and so unhealthy.

I have a multitude of self loathing issues.

Anyway.
I've already planned out my day tomorrow.
It involves spending money.  I think I got a little tingle in my potty.

I need fuel.
My weekly commute is about 15 miles - total.

I think the last time I filled up was about a month ago.
So gas is like one of those super luxury items.

I've also decided that I will go for the biopsy.
It's not like my body is being used for anything else right now.

This means I have to visit a piercing store or two until I can find the right pair of spacers .... that will cost a little.


I think four days is my record.
I'm kinda proud of it.
::: rainbow :::

Goal Setting and Achieving

Using this as a sounding board for right now...

The average minimum salary for the job title that I have right now is 20% higher then what I earn now.

What I need to do in the next three weeks...


What I know...

• I know that this isn't my future 
• I know that I need to find a backup plan 
• I know that without this job I'm financially eff'd 

Determine what I do

• Put a valuation on it as to what it involves with the company
• Decide how much I want to put into a company that seems to have no future.
• Decide how much of a raise I should ask for
• Figure out a back up plan

1. Second career
2. Second job
3. Backup income stream
4. Backup plan in general
5. Escape plan

Sometimes a rainbow baby is better then a pot of gold

Nov 29th

Day 3 of no spending

This four day weekend has to be a record of all time minimal spending.

Thanksgiving was the big day - $29.34

$5.00 - Valet tip for family dinner at pricy restaurant
$6.50 - Movie (Spectre)
$8.50 - Movie Treats
$9.34 - 7-11 (Diet pepsi and smokes)


Friday, Saturday and Sunday just shut down.
Didn't leave the house, didn't talk to anyone, didn't text anyone.
This little fact scares me.
Nobody missed me and for further fright factor I was ok with being alone.

I could micro manage the whole situation by saying that I spent heavily on electricity because I was online and watching Netflix the whole time but I'm not... that just deepens the Type A defect and makes me wonder if there's even a point.

I'm trying to determine if there's any worth in this life anymore.
I was supposed to go in for a biopsy on Wednesday but cancelled.  The dollar value on find out if I have a physical defect seemed higher then living with it.
It would mean that I would have to have multiple visits to the doctor for follow up, birth control re-up  and removing certain piercings that had a high  'you-go-girl' effect that I'm not willing to for-go.

I'm thinking about entering in a no spend month.
I don't know if I'm able to do this...

Holidays suck for people like me.  
I'm lonely as it is... don't know if I'm willing to give up the little positive strides that I've made for myself.

I don't have a bad life.  I'm pretty much secure in the base layer of Maslows theory.  I can feed, cloth and shelter myself.  I would love to have someone that I wasn't considered a FWB situation or to be super fancy - a lover - but I'm not that type.  I've tried.  Just isn't my world.

I'm trying.
I'm just running out of places and motivation to look.

I have a dog.
He's pretty cool.
He puts up with me and the asshole cat.

Right now - that's my rainbow...  baby.

All the lonely Starbucks lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane *

November 28th



+$5.00 - Starbucks Giftcard


So it's another Thanksgiving and I'm in a self imposed fiscal shut down.
I thought I was good on paying bills and then, you know, boom, I get this reminder that my mortgage is due in a few days.  Seriously... totally forgot that I have a mortgage.  I mean, it's hard to believe since I have "that house"  - barely functional.  Strong breezes scare the crap out of me because I fully believe that I will have a natural sky light at any moment.

I'm binge watching "Haven" in between completing the minor repair projects that I feel that I can do that won't end up looking like a 5 year old did it.

I signed on to bing rewards a few months back.  I totally forgot about it until last week.  I checked my balance and wtf... I got enough for a Starbucks Gift Certificate.  This makes me happy.  I feel that all my time wasted online wasn't a waste and now I can afford a couple Grande Red Eye's to keep me up and surf the web a little longer.

Thanks bing!










* intentional misheard lyrics