"Reply is hazy, try again later"

Total since last write up... waaay to much


Things haven't been particularly busy... or interesting for that matter... but I seem to be getting myself deeper and deeper in some self created drama. 
Sometimes it's just hard to understand something if you don't have all the information.  I know it sounds cheesy but as I tweeted last night "Only when you know the truth can you move forward".  I don't like the fact that I seem to get mixed messages.  I suppose some of those messages are right... for right now... and that's just what I get. 

I'm not feeling neglected just excluded and I'm not sure why I am. I've rationalized the whole thing.  I thought I explained my position quite clear but I'm sure my reasoning is completely misunderstood or just ignored because people only hear what they want to hear or don't have the attention span to take it all in.  I don't give a shit about something I can never have.  We would kill each other if we were in a relationship, I get it... it's just sex.  If someday we'll have to stop having sex then why not stop now.  If we're just going to be friends why am I spending the night and cuddling.  Why does she know "everything about me" but I don't know jack shit about her. I accepted that a long, long time ago what this situation is and I've never made the first move just tried to explain myself. So the question is... is it foolish and childish to walk away once more?  Why is it so easy for him to keep me at arms length but it's just not ok for me?  Why the fuck am I even thinking about this?  Kind of useless waste of time.

I've been talking (or should I say texting) my ex boyfriend.  A man that dumped me for some lame reason and then would pop up out of no where and disappear as quickly.  I'm not sure how I feel about the situation.  I find myself wanting to restart our relationship but I'm not sure if it's because I miss him or that I still love him or because I'm just lonely.  Being lonely is the worst reason.  Besides he drinks.  A lot.  I'm trying not to.  I'm almost to the point where I think I should start going to AA meetings or start taking Antabuse because the lack of control is getting down right frightening.

Ok Monty Hall.  I see what's behind curtain number one and curtain number two... maybe I should take curtain number THREE!!!  Have a feeling that it's the boobie prize and by boobie I mean the balding, mustached fat man (with boobs) that seem be my "Matches of the Day" on Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish.

Not sure what my next big purchase is going to be.  Still need to do a lot of work on the house.  But is it possible to purchase a positive attitude and a personality?  My magic eight ball Blackberry app says "No".